IS MY GRIEF NORMAL?

 

Sad events can cause sad feelings.

But what if a happy event causes sad feelings, is there something wrong with me?

 

According to the popular Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, there are 43 life events that can cause stress, often to the point of affecting health.  I would say there are far MORE than 43, but that’s just how this research categorizes them.  Even events that might seem like positive ones can cause stress in our lives.  An example might be a promotion. Of course, there are benefits, but there might also be a loss of free time, loss of anonymity at work, loss of being able to make your own schedule if you are responsible for more projects or more people, etc.

The following is a list of events that have been shown to cause stress and which may provoke feelings of grief and/or loss. If any of these have happened to you, recently or in the past, perhaps it would help to take some time to explore how they may be affecting your ability to be happy today.

NOTE: This list is NOT meant to be comprehensive of all the losses that can cause grief, it is just a sample of common life events.

• Death of a spouse or child
• Divorce
• Marital separation
• Imprisonment
• Death of a close family member
• Personal injury or illness
• Marriage
• Dismissal from work
• Marital reconciliation
• Retirement
• Change in health of family member
• Pregnancy
• Sexual difficulties
• Gain a new family member
• Business readjustment
• Change in financial state
• Death of a close friend
• Change to different line of work
• Change in frequency of arguments
• Major mortgage
• Foreclosure of mortgage or loan
• Change in responsibilities at work
• Child leaving home
• Trouble with in-laws
• Outstanding personal achievement
• Spouse starts or stops work
• Begin or end school
• Change in living conditions
• Revision of personal habits
• Trouble with boss
• Change in working hours or conditions
• Change in residence
• Change in schools
• Change in recreation
• Change in church activities
• Change in social activities
• Minor mortgage or loan
• Change in sleeping habits
• Change in number of family reunions
• Change in eating habits
• Vacation
• Christmas
• Minor violation of law
• To this, we also feel that it is important to add: Loss of trust, Loss of approval, Loss of safety, Loss of faith, and Loss of control of my body

Please keep in mind that this list is far from complete in outlining the different issues that can relate to grief. In reality, this list is woefully inadequate, to say the least. It does not cover such events as sexual assault, domestic violence, runaway children, or pet loss, to name but a very few grief-causing events. Another major issue, that is not addressed, would be anything associated with sexuality. By looking at specific situations with any number of grievers, this list could expand greatly.

The other problem with adapting such a list is that some of the items listed may be confusing when relating them to grief. Some events, such as marriage may bring to mind more memories of joy than pain. (In this case, we need to remember that there is grief associated with changes from normal behavior patterns, of which there can be many in moving from “single” to “married.”) Likewise, this listing for “Christmas” might be better restated as “any holiday.”

The greatest value to this listing is in helping people understand that grief is not just about death. Stress and stressful events come in many packages, which is true for grief as well.

 

The Stress Scale for Seniors (55 and older)

A slightly modified version of this Stress Scale was created for those over 55, to reflect those life events that come with aging. In many ways, this scale is similar to the one for adults, but it likewise fails to mention the same stressors and grief-causing events that we noted above.

• Death of a spouse (or child)
• Divorce
• Nursing/retirement home move
• Marital separation
• Death of close family member
• Major physical problems
• Loss of safety
• Marriage or remarriage
• Lack of dreams/purpose
• Major financial loss
• Financial loss due to retirement
• Forced early retirement
• Loss of control of my body
• Unable to drive
• Marital reconciliation
• Normal retirement
• Spouse confined to nursing home
• Family member’s change of health
• Gain new family member
• Change in financial state
• Death of close friend
• Difficulty in getting insurance
• Change in arguments with spouse
• Mortgage over $100,000
• Foreclosure of mortgage
• Sense of not being needed
• Outstanding personal achievement
• Spouse begins or stops work
• Decreased contact family/friends
• Change in personal habits
• Less contact with support groups
• Trouble with boss/work
• Minor physical problems
• Change in recreation habits
• Change in church activities
• Change in social activities
• Loans of up to $100,000
• Change in sleeping habits
• Change in family gatherings
• Change in eating habits
• Vacations
• Christmas
• Minor violation of the law

 

Grieving Events for Children and Teenagers

Yet another version of this scale was developed for, so-called, “Non-Adults.” Just as is the case with the “Adult Scale,” there are many additions that could be made to this list for grieving experiences for children, based on their unique relationships and level of development. This list also fails to include elements of child abuse on any level, sexual matters, bullying and cyber bullying, or such things as loss of safety, approval, faith, or personal control.

• Death of parent
• Unplanned pregnancy/abortion
• Getting married
• Divorce of parents
• Acquiring a visible deformity
• Fathering a child
• Jail sentence of parent for over one year
• Marital separation of parents
• Death of a brother or sister
• Change in acceptance by peers
• Unplanned pregnancy of sister
• Discovery of being an adopted child
• Marriage of parent to step-parent
• Death of a close friend
• Having a visible congenital deformity
• Serious illness requiring hospitalization
• Failure of a grade in school
• Not making an extracurricular activity
• Hospitalization of a parent
• Jail sentence of a parent for over 30 days
• Breaking up with boyfriend or girlfriend
• Beginning to date
• Suspension from school
• Becoming involved with drugs or alcohol
• Birth of a brother or sister
• Increase in arguments between parents
• Loss of job by parent
• Outstanding personal achievement
• Change in parent’s financial status
• Accepted at college of choice
• Being a senior in high school
• Hospitalization of a sibling
• Increased absence of parent from home
• Brother or sister leaving home
• Addition of third adult to family
• Becoming a full-fledged member of a church
• Decrease in arguments between parents
• Decrease in arguments with parents
• Mother or father beginning work

 

Taking Action to Deal With This

A very important point to remember is that it is one thing to realize that these are events that can bring stress and grief into your life, and quite another thing to take action. Most people carry around a great deal of grief that they hold inside. Unlike a broken arm or leg that is made obvious by a cast, a broken heart is far less easy to see. As with a broken limb, we take action to heal the wound…action is also needed to heal a broken heart; time alone doesn’t heal a wound, action within time is required.

The Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale was first utilized in looking at the strong correlation between the stressors that impact people’s lives and their actual medical issues. People under stress are more prone to a variety of medical complications. Reducing your stress/grief can have a positive impact on your physical wellbeing.

Our focus, at the Grief Recovery Institute, is on moving beyond the emotional pain of loss. The Grief Recovery Method^® is a proven, step-by-step process for accomplishing this. It’s designed to help people deal not only with past and current issues regarding the stress of grief but also to provide the tools to deal with future issues, as they develop.